BLOG IT!

So I have been taking on the world lately, its been about a month………….I’m really still getting the hang of this. My life has been a test somewhat lately, but its all working out now. I have to have reconstructive surgery on my ankle, I’m a little scared. I think I’m more scared of my good buddy depression coming to hang out with me on the couch when I’m immobile…….but none of this is what’s on my mind right now.

I’m preparing a lesson for middle/high school girls about EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS. This is something that is huge, this is something that gets awareness but is never addressed or avoided. I had an emotional affair, well it was physical too but the emotional weight beats out the physical in this situation. And as I still struggle with my heart- struggle is the wrong word….its more like BATTLE the demons his love, and lack there of, is throwing at me. Regardless, my heart is going out to all the girls in the world and I want to help.

So why am I writing this instead of helping…….easy. I was googling Google and I, we’re pretty much best friends. I’d like to think Google is a boy because it kind of sounds manly…..kind of. So Google and I are looking for sources on Emotional Affairs, quotes…..bible verses…..witty phrases. And you know what? It does not exist out there for teens! It’s all about marriage and couples and significant others. What happened to words like “boyfriend” and “that guy I have a crush on….” (okay more of a phrase but you’re not that picky are you?). This stuff isn’t even being addressed until we’ve already doomed our selves in the marriage where we promised to love, HONOR, and cherish our McDreamy. RIDICULOUSSSSSS. Really, are we doing anything to help our girls….or are we dashing all their hopes now…….

So pretty much most of my life has been about dealing with bouts of depression. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and after a couple years of anti-depressants as a teen, I realized I no longer wanted to feel nothing either. So how do you find the happy medium? It’s easier than we think……a therapist made me truly understand……….WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE BAD DAYS NOW AND THEN!

So simply, when I had a bad day, I would only let it be a bad day. No medication, no feelings of inadequacy, none of that. If I needed a personal day, I took a personal day. Some were worse than others- it was never…SCRATCH THAT…..it IS never an easy fight. So basically, what I’m getting at is that the past few years I have been great….I’ve survived…….I’ve been content for the most part.

Fast Forward to now…..Depression has knocked me flat on my ass.  More than just a bad day, something has been off for months. Just a little something was off….enough to make you feel unsatisfied and then it hits you. I spent three days on my couch- not really moving, not getting anything accomplished. I pretty much just took up space. I hate the feeling. I hate knowing something is wrong, and something needs to change and not having a clue where to start. It’s like a feeling of nothingness. Nicely put…..DEPRESSION BLOWS.

So last night I was itching for change. It was like jones-ing for an addiction. Want it. Gotta have it. HAD to have it. So I cut my hair. Just bangs, but the first step none the less. Drastic…..extreme…..perfect…..and it opened the window for other things. A friend of mine was randomly talking, like he always does, and said there were three questions you had to ask yourself (referencing nothing in particular)
1. Where do you want to be?
2. Where SHOULD you be?
3. WHERE ARE YOU?

The answers to the last two were the easiest.
1. I want to be…..get ready for this long list…….skinny…..light hearted…..less stressed…..on top of school….more confident….financially secure……doing something noble…..feeling worthy and selfless….dating…..closer with friends…..having new friends…….STRONGER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD……are you getting the picture?

2. WHERE SHOULD I BE? Strong with Christ. On top of School. Healthy.

3. And where am I? This is perhaps the funniest and easiest answer I’ve ever had to come up with.
NONE OF THE ABOVE. I’m stressed beyond belief. My Chi is totally whacked out. School is becoming a joke and I have a little more than a month to improve. And I couldn’t tell you where God is right now. (Don’t give me the FOOTPRINTS verse….I know it by heart….Its more than that)

SO…….Obviously some changes need to be made.

GOOGLE….A BEST FRIEND OF MINE. I googled “how to go from a non-runner to a runner with this workout plan.” Got my answer in a simplistic chart that broke down my workouts for the next ten weeks. I started today. Good walk. Great time to clear my head and enjoy the fresh air. Health….CHECK

School…I just have to suck it up. JUST DO IT. (Thank you Nike)

GOD> I’m sorry I’ve seriously slacked. I’m going to dedicate more time to Him and get my quiest times in.

I figure the rest will fall into place after this. So that’s where I am today. I wrote DEPRESSION a note today and it’s really helped me these past 12 hours. It goes like this

Dear Depression,
   TODAY I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.
Love,
Yours Truly

Not the blogger I thought I was!
No big.
I’m starting new.
Going to write more today!
Look out world!
(How cheesy can I make this?!?!?!?!?)

Sometimes it looks like the waves are reaching, grasping the sand on the shore. Our lives are like that, repeatedly beating against the same thing hoping for a definite hand to hold on to. If we were just still for a moment, maybe two- we would see that thing we’re beating against is all around us. That sand is holding us in the palm of His hand. Instead of sitting, we make the same motions refusing to change insisting we’re alone at times. Are we so jaded by our salt water tendencies that we don’t grasp to the only real love out there? Does God strive to get us to stop moving and take a look around? Instead of washing all our broken shells on shore, as if they’d be made whole again when we wash back up with a new batch; instead of endlessly examining our surroundings until we ourselves erode them into something dull; instead of doing all this which is us- can we just turn around and focus on the important?